To the ire and distress of many, Crocs are cool. And while you cannot stop the inevitable, you can minimize its impact on your general wellbeing. Zoë Kravitz, the famously cool daughter of two famously cool people, knows this all too well. Which is why, after she cast Channing Tatum to star in her directorial debut, she sat him down for a chat about gender dynamics—and, naturally, Crocs. In a Deadline interview, both parties recalled Kravitz “adamantly” telling Tatum that he “should not be wearing Crocs”—advice he immediately heeded.
It seems, however, that Kravitz is not categorically opposed to Crocs. She went on to explain her guidance: “There are people who can pull off the Crocs thing,” she said. “I just wasn’t sure [Tatum] was one of them.” Case in point: just this week, she and a Crocs-adorned pal sat courtside at a Nets game, having what seemed to be a good time, or at least avoiding a relationship-ending fight about rubber footwear. Kravitz simply knows and respects the guardrails that we, as a society, so desperately need in order to integrate Crocs into our lives. On a scale of Victoria Beckham to Post Malone, she stands somewhere in the middle. So if you find yourself staring into a Jibbitz-filled abyss, wondering whether you, too, should slide your weary feet into a pair of hole-punched clogs, we’ve put together a handy rulebook according to Kravitz’ refined taste.
Go nuts with the socks.
Pulling off Crocs relies on your knowing that they’re ugly. So the best way to wear them is not to hang your head in shame, but to lean into the chaos of it all. Diplo, one of the many celebrities to concoct a fever-dream Crocs collaboration, wears some trippy socks in the campaign imagery that really punch up the look. While Kravitz’s companion went more two-toned, the effect is just as successful.
Steer clear of tiaras.
Channing, bless his heart, has spent much of the past year wearing various princess-adjacent ensembles while promoting a princess book he wrote for his daughter. Kravitz, perhaps having taken note of this, may have decided fairy wings and Crocs don’t exactly hit that ironic sweet spot.
Choose your plaids wisely.
This one’s tricky, because our mysterious courtside guy’s lumberjack shirt is really pulling the whole wacky ensemble together, while Tatum’s plaids tend to run a little more conservative, rendering them a lesser backdrop for the Crocs to really shine.
Grunge is a must.
Tatum, who reigned supreme hunk during a more earnest era in pop culture, leans more rugged than grungy. But Crocs demand grunge. Justin Bieber, the king of bed head, nails this well, as does Post Malone. Channing’s eternally crisp buzz cut and penchant for snug, just-out-of-the-box white tees? Not so much.
Keep your shirt on.
Listen, absolutely no one is complaining about how much time Channing Tatum spends with his shirt off. No one! But the sheer gall required to put hole-filled rubber on one’s feet takes enough self-confidence. Removing your shirt while you do it requires an unacceptable level of hubris. Don’t fly too close to the sun.
Ultimately, Crocs are a shoe for the people, and if Tatum wants to wear them, he should let his freak flag fly. But if it all feels a little too trendy for you, may we suggest his toe sneakers?
Originally posted 2021-06-19 00:27:26.