Outside of the 4 main protagonists, Jimmy Valmer is perhaps one of the funniest and most charming characters on South Park, leading to some of the best Jimmy Valmer quotes. Originally slated as a one-off counterpart for Timmy in South Park season 5, episode 2, “Cripple Fight,” aspiring comedian Jimmy Valmer eventually became a fan-favorite character and series regular on South Park. Like Tolkien, Butters, or Clyde, Jimmy has been the subject of several hilarious South Park subplots, including the infamous “Fishsticks” episode.
It’s tough not to love Jimmy Valmer, with his stutter-laced zingers and friendly, innocent nature. Like many of the more colorful characters that populate South Park, Jimmy has had quite a few funny, silly, and generally endearing quotes. While he didn’t appear until season 5, there is no shortage of memorable moments featuring Valmer, especially with his superhero alter ego Fastpass in the Coon and Friends/Freedom Pals plot, one of Kenny’s funniest storylines as well. Like all South Park characters, there are some especially iconic Jimmy Valmer quotes over the course of the series, and here are the ten best.
10 “Wow, What A Great Audience.”
Unlike most Jimmy Valmer quotes, this is something of a reoccurring quote for the fan-favorite South Park comedian. Of course, a bit of context is necessary to truly appreciate this one. Typically when Jimmy performs some of his classic stand-up, either on the stage or just trying to get his classmates to laugh, he sneaks in one or two of these statements.
The persistence of this classic quote from Valmer is admirable, as he’ll bust it out even if those in his “audience” don’t laugh, as if it were a tick. The nonchalant, unenthused way in which he comments on how great his audience is, whether true or not, has become an amusing trademark and quirk of this character.
9 “I Just Flew In To South Park, Boy Are My Crutches Tired!”
Season 5, Episode 2, “Cripple Fight”
Part of Jimmy’s charm is that he’s able to laugh at himself – and this includes his cerebral palsy. It’s this distinction that helps him to stand out, and he wears it as a sort of badge of honor. While it may be one of the more overrated South Park episodes, it does stand out as Jimmy’s first appearance.
This is established right off the bat with one of the funniest Jimmy Valmer quotes, as Jimmy enters the stage in his season 5 debut, “Cripple Fight.” Just to cap off this chuckle-worthy scene, Jimmy goes on to make a “handicapped” crack about former President Bush, and busts out a slew of jokes that roast various figures of South Park. This is really a line — and scene— that establishes Valmer as the lovable wise-cracking comic he is.
8 “The Fact That [The Douche] Is Giant, Renders It Useless, Adding A Parody Slant.”
Season 8, Episode 8, “Douche and Turd”
Honestly, there’s much to find funny about this rather blunt political commentary by showrunners Matt Stone and Trey Parker, called “Douche and Turd,” in which the only two officials running for the new mascot of South Park Elementary are a giant douche and a turd sandwich. But amidst an array of hilarious scenes, Jimmy has yet another moment in which he takes center stage.
The boys argue about which of their lewd and goofy mascots that they’ve come up with is the funniest. Is it a giant douche, or a turd sandwich? It’s a tough one, as they both have their own distinct comedic charm, but to help settle this debate, they turn to the expert in comedy, Jimmy. His analysis and eventual conclusion in one of the best Jimmy Valmer quotes is an amusing one — partly because of how silly his overall analysis is, but also because it actually seems thought out and has some merit to it.
7 “I’m Cool Like A Fool In A Swimming Pool.”
Season 7, Episode 2, “Krazy Kripples”
Jimmy is in top form when it comes to his wackiness during South Park season 7, episode 2, “Krazy Kripples.” In it, Jimmy and Timmy join the gang known as The Krips, which they mistakenly take to mean as a group “crippled at birth.” As they’re at odds with The Bloods, the naive duo naturally takes this to mean that they’re at odds with those that are crippled in an accident, as this is the conflict in Jimmy’s mind.
This leads to one yuk-inducing scene after another, as Valmer starts getting “influenced” by his new gang, busting out various bits of slang. Though one of the funniest (and most PG-friendly) Jimmy Valmer quotes comes in the form of this line that he awkwardly stutters to his parents, who are just trying to make sure he’s alright. It’s one of the South Park episodes that have aged poorly, but it contains some golden Jimmy moments, nonetheless.
6 “Take My Advice, Don’t Squeeze The Charmin.”
Season 26, Episode 3, “Japanese Toilets”
In South Park season 26, episode 3, “Japanese Toilets,” Stan’s dad replaces their regular powder room toilet with a fancy new Japanese model, complete with a bidet. However, when Randy starts bragging to the rest of the town about his new toilet, he gets in major trouble with the nefarious toilet paper industry, leading to him being shot in the middle of giving a speech to the town.
Stan realizes that Jimmy knows more about the seedy toilet paper industry than he lets on, and eventually corners him into telling the truth, leading to one of the funniest Jimmy Valmer quotes. Jimmy tells Stan that the toilet paper industry tried to bring him down after writing an article in the school paper questioning how hygienic it is. Funnily enough, the line is actually a cheeky reference to a series of Charmin commercials from the 1970s that use the same line, but obviously with a different meaning.
5 “Tell Tom Kardashian To Suck My P-p-popsicles That Are In The Green Room, And That I Am Very Sorry, And That He Is A Fantastic Person.”
Season 24, Episode 3, “Post COVID”
South Park season 24 was mainly made up of a few different specials, one of them being the “Post COVID” special, which focused on what happened to the boys after the pandemic had ended — forty years into the future. While Stan has become an online whiskey consultant, Kyle the new South Park Elementary school guidance counselor, and Cartman a rabbi, Jimmy has fulfilled his ultimate dream of becoming a late-night talk show host and comedian.
During a taping of Jimmy’s show, he gets news that Kenny has died under mysterious circumstances and drops everything to jump on the first plane back to South Park. When his assistant asks what to do about Tom Kardashian, who is waiting in the wings, South Park decides to bust out one of the funniest Jimmy Valmer quotes, once again subverting expectations toward what he was actually going to say. There are plenty of Easter eggs and references in South Park‘s “Post COVID” special, with Jimmy’s show actually being one of them.
4 “…Because It Was Having Sex With The Chicken.”
Season 5, Episode 10, “How to Eat With Your Butt”
During a particularly wacky South Park episode with the “cheeky” title, “How to Eat With Your Butt,” Jimmy’s comedic services are in need once again. This time, Cartman has apparently blown a “funny fuse,” after seeing a married couple with butts for faces, an image so humorous that his funny bone has seemingly short-circuited.
Jimmy tries to help coax his sense of humor back and get Cartman to laugh by telling him some jokes. He first poses the question “why did the pigeon cross the road?” before continually stuttering his way through one of the most chuckle-worthy yet bizarre Jimmy Valmer quotes.
3 “…If You Do Win On Steroids, You’re Not Really A Winner.”
Season 8, Episode 2, “Up the Down Steroid”
In an episode that cleverly draws parallels between Cartman joining the Special Olympics and steroid abuse, Valmer goes off in a rather emphatic way during the closing scene. Considered one of the most memorable Jimmy Valmer quotes, Jimmy explains the merits of staying off steroids for the sake of integrity and fairness, which he had failed to do when competing.
In a memorable speech that poses as Jimmy coming clean, viewers hear a thinly-veined slew of insults and criticism by Matt Stone and Trey Parker directed at athletes taking steroids. It’s quite amusing seeing Jimmy indirectly cursing out Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, and Mark McGuire. He does this by claiming anyone that uses these performance enhancements is a “big fat P***y,” and that they should remove themselves from the record books because of this trait. While it’s primarily a Jimmy-centric episode, it’s also an episode containing one of Cartman’s darkest storylines.
2 “The Economy Is So Bad, A Picture Is Now Only Worth 200 Words.”
Season 16, Episode 1, “Reverse Cowgirl”
One of the more endearing, laugh-out-loud Jimmy Valmer quotes, unfortunately, comes from a deleted scene from the episode “Reverse Cowgirl” from season 16. In the South Park episode, Clyde’s mother has died following an incident with a toilet seat, prompting the formation of the “Toilet Safety Administration,” with the cheekily convenient acronym, “TSA.”
Beyond this clever spoof of airport security, however, exists a scene where Jimmy spouts a number of jokes in order to cheer poor Clyde up. This topical zinger fails to get a laugh from a depressed Clyde, but no doubt would have invoked yuks from viewers if this moment saw the light of day beyond the DVD extras.
1 “My Mom Says God Had A Plan For Everyone. I guess I was Plan B.”
Season 5, Episode 2, “Cripple Fight”
One of the most memorable Jimmy Valmer quotes has quite a bit going for it. It’s a perfect representation of Jimmy, showcasing his zany ways and his admirable desire not to take himself too seriously. At the end of the day, as long as it gets some laughter, that’s what it’s all about for him. As it turns out, one of the first lines from this eventual fan-favorite of South Park is one of his funniest and most memorable.
Jimmy spouts this joke off to an audience with mixed results in his very first South Park appearance. While this newfound attention came at the expense of Timmy initially, they both managed to find their niche in South Park, at least after their brutal skirmish.